m-angle-angel weighs in

anchors away

never being able to get beyond the question - what the hell to do -
what should i do
what can i do
what do i do
and why the fuck should i, can i, do i do it?
never asking that and answering in any way that satisfies the question once and for all or even for a day

sometimes i am thinking about things outside
out there over there
bigger things
things that do contain other things besides
markers
meant to be for something else
but showing once again that the bigger stuff is still available inside the smaller stuff to see

but now, today, right now before my coffee
before my shower
before my day of obligation
that is not holy - not in a sense that's meaningful for me -
although some my say that it is well intentioned
as a type of employment
today before all that
i am only self-obsessed
how could i not be -
nestled in the valley of these mountains
in this town -
they call it a resort
what does it resort to?
my melancholy - is it well earned?
this valley calls for it
requires it
they say
it saps the warrior's spirit
that might be accurate
it could be why
desire
can be consumed with the loveliness, the perfectness, the absolute completeness of giving up entirely - or mostly anyway -
giving up
giving in
surrender to your greater apathy
the greater pull towards inertia - if inertia can be said to really have some pull -
it might be why
i am divided
why i wish to just goof off
when so much is now required -
some call this sabotage -
and i do have to admit, that if i do indulge - i cannot enjoy it - if enjoyment is the point, then this surrender is not reasonable, though it still may be desirable - desire has a long history of being anything but reasonable - or at least it is a different kind of reason, than reason's known for being -
yes, there could be many reasons, in contest with each other -
why not?
is there much agreement anywhere?

take this scar for instance
this scar i've found
it's on my foot -
how did it get there?
it takes a minute to remember -
yes, i bumped into a chair in the dark just before i went to bed -
i wasn't satisfied at that time - shouldn't you be going to your bed when you are satisfied that your day has been complete? - fuck, would we ever go to bed, if that really was a rule?
if i were satisfied would things have gone a little better for my foot?

is my body going to punish me
by breaking down and being scarred and getting sick and fucking up because i am not satisfied? because i am not living the life i should be living? does my body have that much resentment? does my body have a prescribed set agenda - a set of rules i must obey or else it will then manifest its disagreements with me?

that is a popular idea - it's a condensation of other holy punitive regimes - karma or comeuppance or simple holy retribution - pay back time - it just makes sense that the modern day equivalent is self imposed - you are your own liquor control board - your own heaven and hell - your own legal justice system - your own battle with yourself - and since we are inclined to fighting wars that cannot ever end these days - then of course, quite naturally, we are in, deeply in, (no exit strategy in sight) the war against ourselves

my body my self
my container
my barrier
like the great wall of china
or the fallen wall of east berlin
or the fence in israel
or the line drawn in the sand ...

i am inside and am outside of my self
i am around my self
i am truly paranoid
and parapsyched
and a parapanoply of many vague misgivings
and basically unsatisfied -
how could i be?
it is impossible
and it is unreasonable -
it is a fantasy -
a melancholy of the valley of ontology
- those overArching mountains
that look different every day
ArchX factor to the max

today i am too self obsessed
the self is also much too much

tomorrow i may be back into some smaller kind of a container